Ummm, Is Everything Alright in Here?

That’s the question I usually ask my husband when upon walking into a room the most atrocious and repugnant smell invades my nostrils and chokes the life out of my lungs - a revolting cloud of noxious green gas. It normally happens when he thinks that I’ll be gone for a while and he can really cut loose and just be one with his lower sphincter. He usually blames it on one of our innocent 10 lb dogs. No way they could do that damage.

Well, this morning he got up at the disgusting hour of 4:30 a.m. to go on a single day road trip to California and back.

I am a light sleeper and even though I asked him to do his best not to wake me, it still happened. Even AFTER he decided to shower at 12:00 a.m. so he wouldn’t wake me with the shower at 4:30 a.m. (?)

First it’s his alarm blaring away, announcing the most devilish time - to which I jolted out of bed, grabbed my phone and began frantically pushing buttons to silence the screaming so it wouldn’t wake him up. Alas, nothing was working to return calm to the bedroom and by the time I figured out it was his phone, he had finally shut it off. For the FIRST time, and the SECOND time, oh - and the THIRD time.

Are you kidding me right now??

So, he finally gets up and he’s now tiptoeing around the room. Then into the closet where he closes the door and turns on the light. Did I mention we just had all of the doors in the entire house replaced with beautiful glass to let the light shine through? He dims it quickly and finishes up, but the damage to my retinas has already been done.

I’m still honing my acting skills and continue to “sleep” peacefully as I grab my Noodle and cuddle him closer. There’s nothing like a live little teddy bear to help one fall back to a real sleep.

Now he’s off to the kitchen where I can actually HEAR him drinking water. *gulp *gulp *gulp *AHHHHH
...and taking vitamins on his own (for the first time ever without me begging him.) *rattle *rattle *gulp *gulp

...and back into the bedroom where he continues to make little rummaging noises in the dark.

...now his phone is ringing.

The Fire Alarm ringtone.
Do you know the one??
It’s great.
Loud so he can hear it in his ’61 Buick.

LOUD, baby, LOUD.

...so he runs off down the hall to silence it after a few mind numbing rings.

I have finally had enough...

“Babe,” I ask. “Are you trying to be quiet?”

Now, I’m awake and he knows I’m awake. Time for comedy.

He enters the bedroom and triumphantly tells me, “I’m taking my vitamins,”
then asks, “Hey, Is everything alright in here?”

*sigh* “It’s not me!” I reply.

“Sure,” he jests and kisses me lovingly on the forehead. “I’m outta here! See you tonight!”

Does the colon reflorastation work on dogs, too??